By Charity Joy
We started 2020 with our first Empowered Pleasure event, our New Year’s Eve Party. It was a night of hope, joy, and celebration. We felt tremendous optimism about this new venture, and how we would spend the year empowering those who came through our doors to claim their pleasure as a birthright. We dreamed of guiding others to find their personal sovereignty over their own bodies as the source of giving and receiving pleasure.
Mel was setting up her 2020 tour for Sexology the Musical, with a plan to travel across the country performing at fringe festivals and sex positive conferences. We set up plans to teach at the Oregon Tantra Fest. We developed and scheduled a 9 month series of workshops applying the work of John Gottman, PhD as it applies to Ethical Non Monogamy. In February our triad (known by friends as “CCM”) was featured in ENM Magazine, allowing us to show ourselves and who we are to as many people as would read it. We offered Love Maps and Pleasure Maps in January and had attendees from other states. We were looking at properties with big dreams of developing a sex positive retreat and meditation center.
How were any of us to know that suddenly and without warning, even basic touch would suddenly become unsafe and potentially life-threatening as opposed to life affirming? Mel’s performances were canceled. All in person events, canceled. The Tree House, which on most weekends rings with laughter and sounds of pleasure from our lovers and attendees, suddenly quiet. I moved my entire psychology practice online, with uncertainty about cash flow. And yet, we know that during this crisis, we are among the most privileged. We have each other and can relish in the joy of touch. We live in a beautiful environment. We are quarantined with our beloveds. We have access to a strong internet connection so that we can continue to meet with friends, lovers, and run courses online. We have food, shelter, love, and a garden. While our income has gone down substantially, we are not in danger of losing our home.
And we grieve. We grieve the loss of life, health, safety, and stability for all those suffering in unspeakable ways. And we miss you terribly. While we must remain highly cautious, we maintain hope for the present and the future. We maintain our belief in the power of touch to heal the world, even in times when touch itself is unsafe. We believe this while also maintaining our firm commitment to safety and social distancing to protect the most vulnerable. We believe in the power of connection, love, and intimacy to bring us through these troubled times. We also recognize and honor the reality of the trauma that comes with isolation and separation from loved ones.
When we first started Empowered Pleasure, we wanted to emphasize Cliff’s oft-heard phrase, “The first intimacy must be with yourself.” I have become intimate with several frightening and painful elements of myself over the past two months, and I know I am not alone. Whether sheltering alone, with lovers, with children/family, or with people you do not desire closeness with…intimacy with the self is inescapable in these times. Thoughts, reflections, memories, fears, desires, hopes, and exiled parts of the self emerge during quiet moments. Normally I encourage clients to be mindful and shake hands with these exiled parts of the self and remain present. Then I call bullshit on this during my own PTSD flashbacks from childhood illness…I don’t want intimacy with those parts of myself. And yet, I must.
Whatever intimacy with yourself looks like, please know that we are here. Not in the flesh as we have been. Maintain community with us and share with openness what you are learning about yourselves. The first intimacy must be with yourself, but not as an end in itself. We are wired for connection. Let us all allow this new self-intimacy to guide our relationships in powerful and unexpected ways. Our bodies are capable of profound pleasure and bliss, whether alone or with others. Let us continue to guide one another to find those moments of joy and pleasure, even if fleeting.