By Charity Joy

I have a confession to make. I have a love/hate relationship with Zoom. I sit in front of a screen throughout my day talking with clients via teleconferencing. I again sit in front of a screen many evenings teaching or participating in workshops.

 Recently I spent two full weeks at the Oregon Tantra Fest wrestling internally with myself about how much (or little) I could participate in the sessions because of Zoom fatigue.

 The cancellation of the 2020 in-person Oregon Tantra Festival was a big disappointment. Last year had been my first Tantra Fest ever, and I only marginally participated as an assistant in one presentation, one puja, and two or three other sessions. As I parachuted in and out, I noticed the other participants walking around the retreat center with blissed out looks on their faces, meeting in pods, and engaging in deep connection. I found myself envying the other participants, as it reminded me of my childhood church camps…although with a very different focus.

 I realized how absolutely green I was in the world of tantra. While I had co-facilitated mini-tantra events with Cliff for Sex Positive Portland and had heard his introductory words dozens of times, I had practically no experience. After the 2019 Oregon Tantra Fest and EP’s discussion of integrating tantra into our events, I decided that I needed some education! While I can pick Cliff’s brain about tantra on any day as he has been a tantra educator for 20+ years, that hardly makes me an expert. It would be the same as Cliff or Mel referring to themselves as psychologists because we have conversations about psychology, or me calling myself a songwriter because of Mel’s expertise. No, I cannot claim to be a tantrika by proxy.

 I began to look at the different “schools” of tantra, trying to find something that would only minimally tweak my “spiritual alert” system. (Due to my childhood religious indoctrination, most “spiritual” words evoke an internal shut down for me, and I am still in an evolutionary process on that - more on this in a later essay).

 I decided to look at attending one of Alan Lowen’s Body, Heart & Soul workshops (Cliff’s main teacher), or one of Jan Day’s Art of Being courses in the UK. But while I was looking at purchasing tickets for an April 2020 course, the world shut down.

 So here I was, a presenter at the online 2020 Oregon Tantra Festival, with the equivalent experience of a high school psychology class alongside the PhD’s. And…it would all be Zoom. I don’t want to sound self-denigrating, because I feel very competent to teach the courses that I offered there. I just don’t feel competent in the depth and breadth of Tantra or more importantly, the larger Yoga and Vedic traditions. I felt like an imposter.

 Then, unexpectedly, I developed a love affair with Zoom. During the first puja (for tantra beginners, puja means “ceremony”), the leader encouraged us to do “one-way eye gazing.” For those of you that have never participated in a tantra event, eye gazing is one of the core elements of connection, or “weaving.” With Zoom one can only make eye “contact” with the camera. Even if it feels like I am looking into a person’s eyes on the screen, I am not engaging the mirror neurons in the same way. In a small breakout group, the event host (Amara Karuna) instructed that each person in our group of three spend 5 minutes gazing only into the camera while allowing the other members to look into our eyes. It sounded a bit hinky to me, but I played along.

 What followed was one of the more intense experiences I have ever had at a tantra event. I looked into the camera and softened my gaze. My goal was not to see…but to allow myself to be seen. I had to let go of my ability to observe in return, or “see” how others were seeing me. Suddenly, I was looking into the infinite. I felt my defenses vanish, my eyes well up with tears, the masks of my daily life drop, and the “little Charity” that manages to remember my zip code and social security number disappeared. It was incredibly powerful.

 How long will my love affair with Zoom last? I don’t know. However, about two months ago Cliff taught me the Transcendental Meditation technique and for the first time I am engaging in twice daily meditation. I suspect that my love affair with whatever is out there…(the infinite? absolute? nature? pure consciousness? transcendence? the divine?) is only beginning.  

 Since I started my meditation practice and had my one-night stand with the camera at the Tantra Festival, I have found myself falling deeper in love with the Self. I don’t know what that means yet, but that love is helping little Charity be far more gentle, insightful, regulated, and loving. While I am still in NRE with the infinite, I am hoping for a long and lasting relationship that will in turn help me as I teach and guide others to love themselves and others more deeply.